the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
