Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
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I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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