guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
