watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
