We named our party play list daddy issues
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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