you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She bit a glass in half.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
