Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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