I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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