Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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