You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
