you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
