so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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