On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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