And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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