i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize