So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
