I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize