Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
