I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
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You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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