Umm I'm too high to move.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
