Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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