my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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