He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
