can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
