Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
