Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
