apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
