I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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