I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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