I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
