12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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