Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
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