I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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