Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
