my phone needs a breathalizer
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
