how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
