There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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