I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
