my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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