put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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