Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
