just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
