clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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