I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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