Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
