I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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