tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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