These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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