Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
