so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
