Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
