just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
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You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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