My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
