Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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